Karine L. Toussaint, Ph.D.
781-325-8111
  • Welcome
  • Grief & Loss
    • Grief Counseling
    • Signs & Symptoms of Grief
    • Self-Care for the Bereaved
    • Websites for the Bereaved
  • First Responders
    • Wellness for First Responders
    • Why Consult a Professional?
    • Helpful First Responder Resources
  • Blog
  • About Dr. Toussaint
    • Professional Interests
    • Background
    • Curriculum Vitae
  • Contact Info

Decision Fatigue

12/4/2013

0 Comments

 
I recently heard about this new concept: Decision Fatigue, a.k.a. Ego Depletion. According the the New York Times, John Tierney is the co-author, with the social psychologist Roy Baumeister, of the New York Times best-seller, Willpower: Rediscovering the Greatest Human Strength (Penguin Press, 2011). An excerpt, “Do You Suffer from Decision Fatigue?” ran in Times Magazine, it was reviewed in the Times by Steven Pinker, and named one of Amazon’s Best Books of 2011.

It offers a fascinating explanation to why we lag on our diets at the end of the day, feel burnt-out and crave sugar mid-afternoon, or why we might make poor decisions and feel overwhelmed if we’ve been asked to make too many decisions or we exercised great self-control. Hint: we have a finite amount of willpower to use everyday, and if we don’t choose our battles, learn to make the most of what energies we have, and/or learn to grow our willpower, we end up doing things we regret. 

I highly recommend you check this out. 




FOLLOW UP NOTE:


Someone sent me this email in regards to this blog post, and I wanted to share it with you since it's spot on:

"--While on the plane, I read a story by Michael Lewis about Barack Obama with whom he'd spent a good deal of time. One of the things they discussed was decision-making. Here's the paragraph from the article, on page 4:
This time he covered a lot more ground and was willing to talk about the mundane details of presidential existence. “You have to exercise,” he said, for instance. “Or at some point you’ll just break down.” You also need to remove from your life the day-to-day problems that absorb most people for meaningful parts of their day. “You’ll see I wear only gray or blue suits,” he said. “I’m trying to pare down decisions. I don’t want to make decisions about what I’m eating or wearing. Because I have too many other decisions to make.” He mentioned research that shows the simple act of making decisions degrades one’s ability to make further decisions. It’s why shopping is so exhausting. “You need to focus your decision-making energy. You need to routinize yourself. You can’t be going through the day distracted by trivia.” The self-discipline he believes is required to do the job well comes at a high price. “You can’t wander around,” he said. “It’s much harder to be surprised. You don’t have those moments of serendipity. You don’t bump into a friend in a restaurant you haven’t seen in years. The loss of anonymity and the loss of surprise is an unnatural state. You adapt to it, but you don’t get used to it—at least I don’t.”
-- If you want to read the whole article, here's the link:
http://www.vanityfair.com/politics/2012/10/michael-lewis-profile-barack-obama
0 Comments

How to help a grieving friend

11/6/2013

0 Comments

 
This is a letter I sent to an inquiring stranger who asked me for advice via my webpage. She wanted to know how to help a friend of hers whose husband just died. I thought I’d post this here since it contains useful information for anyone trying to help a grieving friend. 

“I'm sorry to hear of your friend's loss, and commend you for caring so much for her that you are researching and reaching out for help - you are a good friend. 

Alas, there is never an easy answer to an inquiry like yours, especially since I don't know either of you. People can vary so much in their grief - what they will or won't talk about, who they'll lean on, how they are actually experiencing their loss, and how they handle the loss day-to-day. 

A first rule of thumb when supporting our grieving friends is to follow their lead - do they want to talk? Do they want to be distracted? Do they just want company? Do they want help with their chores? While talking about our feelings can be very helpful, you can also offer support in more ways than talking about the hard stuff.  

A second rule of thumb that may be useful to you is to practice active listening. Supporting a grieving loved one can be challenging, and it's very hard to see them in so much pain. Our instinct to help sometimes gets in the way, and instead of truly listening to what they want, we try to fill the silence and offer them what we think will help. The catch here is that we know ourselves best, so our first instinct is to tell them what we think would help us if we were in their shoes. Alas, that sometimes backfires since what might comfort you may not comfort your friend. So practice sitting with the silence and letting her fill it - then you'll have a better sense of what she wants. 

This also brings up the important point that you should take good care of yourself while you take care of her. This is a trauma for you as well, and being there for her may be draining for you. If you want to be there for her in the long-haul, pace yourself and make sure you have support as well. The last thing you want to do is burn out.

Finally, a last rule of thumb is that grief changes over time. This means that what your friend will be experiencing, and what she will need, will change over the course of the next few days, weeks, and months. So if your friend isn't comfortable talking about her thoughts and feelings now, she may be later. One of the things grieving people tell me all the time is that they get a lot of attention and support in the first couple of months, and then people disappear. So hang in there - if she's not ready to talk now, be patient and check in with her periodically.

With all that said, I think you were looking for some prompts to use too? If she does want to talk, it may be as simple as asking her "How are you holding up today?" or "How are the kids today?";  Or you could open it up with a statement such as "I was just thinking of John today when [fill in anecdote]." Or "I miss John. I can't imagine how you feel." Or share a good memory of him, and see if she goes with that. As long as you keep in mind the general rules of thumb, you don't start speaking in clichés, and your friend feels your support by her side, then you've done well.

I hope this was helpful. Don't hesitate to be in touch if I can be of further assistance, or if your questions wasn't fully covered. I wish you and your friend all the best on this difficult journey.”

0 Comments

    Archives

    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013

    Categories

    All
    Anxiety
    Calm
    Caretaker Burnout
    Cognitive Funtioning
    College Life
    Control
    Crafting
    Decision Fatigue
    Ego Depletion
    Exercise
    Grief
    Grief 101
    Grieving Friends
    Health
    Helping Others
    Hobbies
    Kids
    Nutrition
    Panic Attacks
    Parenting
    Relaxation
    Self Care
    Self-care
    Stress Management
    Techniques
    Tools
    What To Say/not To Say
    Willpower

    RSS Feed